A Disabled Veteran’s Story—and a Call for the System to Catch Up
By Kevin “Pops” Foley
Mansfield, MA — My wife Barbara and I never imagined we’d be full-time parents again in our 60s. As a 65-year-old retired U.S. Army Sergeant and 100% disabled veteran, I stepped up to raise our three grandchildren—now 15, 12, and 8—after their parents could not. We’ve provided full-time care since birth for our oldest granddaughter and from early childhood for the others. All three carry deep scars from early trauma, neglect, and instability. Every day is a balancing act of love, patience, and grit. We homeschool them online because traditional schools can’t provide the trauma-informed structure, safety, individualized pacing, and emotional healing they need to thrive.
The Foley granddaughters sporting their Easter bonnets.
“This is our lived reality—and the reality for millions of grandfamilies across America. Grandparents and other kin are raising the next generation, often sacrificing retirement, health, financial stability, and rest to protect children caught in the failures of our systems. Yet the very institutions meant to support families look the other way.”
The Broken VA System: Guardianship Doesn’t Count
One glaring injustice hits disabled veterans especially hard. The Department of Defense allows grandchildren, nieces, or nephews under permanent guardianship to be added to the Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System (DEERS) for certain benefits like healthcare. But the Veterans Administration (VA) refuses to recognize them as dependents for additional disability compensation—unless they are biological children, stepchildren, or legally adopted.
For a veteran rated 100% disabled (like me), the 2026 VA pay scale adds about $109.11 per month per qualifying child under 18 (roughly $1,309 annually, or more for older students). With three grandchildren, that denial costs our family approximately $327 per month—or about $3,928 per year—in lost income. This isn’t a small oversight; it’s a systemic gap that penalizes veterans who step up to raise kin children. The Disabled American Veterans (DAV) organization has pushed legislation and resolutions to align VA rules with Social Security (which often allows guardianship-based claims) or DoD policies, but change remains stalled.
This absurdity forces disabled veterans raising grandchildren to shoulder the full financial burden without the dependent support others receive. We’re doing the caregiving work the system praises—but without the compensation.
The Foleys with their son, Andrew, and the three grandchildren they are raising.
<strong>The Opioid Aftershock and the Collapse of Protection Systems</strong>
Parental substance abuse drives most grandfamilies. Politicians hold press conferences about “fighting addiction,” but the real frontline is a 68-year-old grandmother suddenly raising a toddler after her daughter’s overdose.
Without grandparents stepping in, the foster care system would collapse. Kinship caregivers save taxpayers at least $10.5 billion annually by keeping children out of state custody—yet this massive contribution goes unrecognized in budget hearings.
About 2.5 million children now live in kinship or grandfamily homes. This isn’t fringe—it’s America’s quiet safety net, held together by love and grit.
<strong>Trauma, Special Needs, and the Heavy Load</strong>
Children entering grandfamilies often carry profound wounds: trauma, PTSD, neglect, and chaos. Studies show 40–88% of kids in out-of-home care face serious mental health challenges. Add autism, learning disabilities, or developmental delays, and the demands multiply.
Grandparents become everything: caregivers, advocates, tutors, therapists, protectors. We navigate bureaucracies never designed for older adults raising young children—while managing our own health issues, depression, anxiety, physical strain, financial hardship, and isolation.
<strong>Homeschooling: When Public or Private Schools Fall Short</strong>
For many of us, traditional schools can’t provide the safety, flexibility, or trauma-informed support these children need. A growing number turn to online academies or homeschooling to offer structure, emotional breathing room, and individualized learning—helping kids heal while they learn.
<strong>The Truth: Grandparents Are Holding the Country Together</strong>
Grandfamilies stabilize communities, break cycles of addiction, and give children futures. We do the work government programs brag about but rarely deliver. Legislation for grandfamilies often dies on the legislative floor.
What we need is real, concrete change—not more studies, committees, or brochures.
<strong>We Need:</strong>
– Formal recognition of grandfamilies and kinship caregivers as essential partners in child welfare and national stability
– Legal clarity and support for securing and maintaining custody/guardianship, including streamlined processes and protections against unnecessary state intervention
– Financial equity, including fair VA dependent compensation for children under permanent guardianship (aligning with DoD and Social Security rules), plus expanded access to TANF child-only grants, tax credits, and other aid
– Accessible mental health and trauma services tailored to both children and older caregivers
– Respite care to prevent burnout
– Public acknowledgment that grandparents are raising America’s children—and deserve the resources to do it without sacrificing their own well-being
America’s grandparents are raising America’s children. It’s time the system caught up and delivered the support, recognition, custody pathways, and financial relief these families have earned.
<strong>About the Author</strong>
Kevin “Pops” Foley is a 65-year-old retired U.S. Army Sergeant and 100% disabled veteran. He and his wife Barbara are raising three grandchildren in Massachusetts. They have provided full-time care for their eldest granddaughter since birth and for the others from early childhood, navigating early trauma, homeschooling, and a maze of state and federal systems that were never designed for grandfamilies. Kevin writes to give voice to his grandchildren, and to the millions of grandfamilies across America who are quietly holding the country together—often giving up empty-nest dreams and the hope of a peaceful retirement, to step back into the role of full-time parenting.
<strong>References</strong>
The Opioid Aftershock and the Collapse of Protection Systems
Parental substance abuse drives most grandfamilies. Politicians hold press conferences about “fighting addiction,” but the real frontline is a 68-year-old grandmother suddenly raising a toddler after her daughter’s overdose.
Without grandparents stepping in, the foster care system would collapse. Kinship caregivers save taxpayers at least $10.5 billion annually by keeping children out of state custody—yet this massive contribution goes unrecognized in budget hearings.
About 2.5 million children now live in kinship or grandfamily homes. This isn’t fringe—it’s America’s quiet safety net, held together by love and grit.
Trauma, Special Needs, and the Heavy Load
Children entering grandfamilies often carry profound wounds: trauma, PTSD, neglect, and chaos. Studies show 40–88% of kids in out-of-home care face serious mental health challenges. Add autism, learning disabilities, or developmental delays, and the demands multiply.
Grandparents become everything: caregivers, advocates, tutors, therapists, protectors. We navigate bureaucracies never designed for older adults raising young children—while managing our own health issues, depression, anxiety, physical strain, financial hardship, and isolation.
Homeschooling: When Public or Private Schools Fall Short
For many of us, traditional schools can’t provide the safety, flexibility, or trauma-informed support these children need. A growing number turn to online academies or homeschooling to offer structure, emotional breathing room, and individualized learning—helping kids heal while they learn.
The Truth: Grandparents Are Holding the Country Together
Grandfamilies stabilize communities, break cycles of addiction, and give children futures. We do the work government programs brag about but rarely deliver. Legislation for grandfamilies often dies on the legislative floor.
What we need is real, concrete change—not more studies, committees, or brochures.
We Need:
– Formal recognition of grandfamilies and kinship caregivers as essential partners in child welfare and national stability
– Legal clarity and support for securing and maintaining custody/guardianship, including streamlined processes and protections against unnecessary state intervention
– Financial equity, including fair VA dependent compensation for children under permanent guardianship (aligning with DoD and Social Security rules), plus expanded access to TANF child-only grants, tax credits, and other aid
– Accessible mental health and trauma services tailored to both children and older caregivers
– Respite care to prevent burnout
– Public acknowledgment that grandparents are raising America’s children—and deserve the resources to do it without sacrificing their own well-being
America’s grandparents are raising America’s children. It’s time the system caught up and delivered the support, recognition, custody pathways, and financial relief these families have earned.
About the Author
Kevin “Pops” Foley is a 65-year-old retired U.S. Army Sergeant and 100% disabled veteran. He and his wife Barbara are raising three grandchildren in Massachusetts. They have provided full-time care for their eldest granddaughter since birth and for the others from early childhood, navigating early trauma, homeschooling, and a maze of state and federal systems that were never designed for grandfamilies. Kevin writes to give voice to his grandchildren, and to the millions of grandfamilies across America who are quietly holding the country together—often giving up empty-nest dreams and the hope of a peaceful retirement, to step back into the role of full-time parenting.
References
The Opioid Aftershock and the Collapse of Protection Systems
Parental substance abuse drives most grandfamilies. Politicians hold press conferences about “fighting addiction,” but the real frontline is a 68-year-old grandmother suddenly raising a toddler after her daughter’s overdose.
Without grandparents stepping in, the foster care system would collapse. Kinship caregivers save taxpayers at least $10.5 billion annually by keeping children out of state custody—yet this massive contribution goes unrecognized in budget hearings.
About 2.5 million children now live in kinship or grandfamily homes. This isn’t fringe—it’s America’s quiet safety net, held together by love and grit.
Trauma, Special Needs, and the Heavy Load
Children entering grandfamilies often carry profound wounds: trauma, PTSD, neglect, and chaos. Studies show 40–88% of kids in out-of-home care face serious mental health challenges. Add autism, learning disabilities, or developmental delays, and the demands multiply.
Grandparents become everything: caregivers, advocates, tutors, therapists, protectors. We navigate bureaucracies never designed for older adults raising young children—while managing our own health issues, depression, anxiety, physical strain, financial hardship, and isolation.
Homeschooling: When Public or Private Schools Fall Short
For many of us, traditional schools can’t provide the safety, flexibility, or trauma-informed support these children need. A growing number turn to online academies or homeschooling to offer structure, emotional breathing room, and individualized learning—helping kids heal while they learn.
The Truth: Grandparents Are Holding the Country Together
Grandfamilies stabilize communities, break cycles of addiction, and give children futures. We do the work government programs brag about but rarely deliver. Legislation for grandfamilies often dies on the legislative floor.
What we need is real, concrete change—not more studies, committees, or brochures.
We Need:
– Formal recognition of grandfamilies and kinship caregivers as essential partners in child welfare and national stability
– Legal clarity and support for securing and maintaining custody/guardianship, including streamlined processes and protections against unnecessary state intervention
– Financial equity, including fair VA dependent compensation for children under permanent guardianship (aligning with DoD and Social Security rules), plus expanded access to TANF child-only grants, tax credits, and other aid
– Accessible mental health and trauma services tailored to both children and older caregivers
– Respite care to prevent burnout
– Public acknowledgment that grandparents are raising America’s children—and deserve the resources to do it without sacrificing their own well-being
America’s grandparents are raising America’s children. It’s time the system caught up and delivered the support, recognition, custody pathways, and financial relief these families have earned.
About the Author
Kevin “Pops” Foley is a 65-year-old retired U.S. Army Sergeant and 100% disabled veteran. He and his wife Barbara are raising three grandchildren in Massachusetts. They have provided full-time care for their eldest granddaughter since birth and for the others from early childhood, navigating early trauma, homeschooling, and a maze of state and federal systems that were never designed for grandfamilies. Kevin writes to give voice to his grandchildren, and to the millions of grandfamilies across America who are quietly holding the country together—often giving up empty-nest dreams and the hope of a peaceful retirement, to step back into the role of full-time parenting.
References
The Opioid Aftershock and the Collapse of Protection Systems
Parental substance abuse drives most grandfamilies. Politicians hold press conferences about “fighting addiction,” but the real frontline is a 68-year-old grandmother suddenly raising a toddler after her daughter’s overdose.
Without grandparents stepping in, the foster care system would collapse. Kinship caregivers save taxpayers at least $10.5 billion annually by keeping children out of state custody—yet this massive contribution goes unrecognized in budget hearings.
About 2.5 million children now live in kinship or grandfamily homes. This isn’t fringe—it’s America’s quiet safety net, held together by love and grit.
Trauma, Special Needs, and the Heavy Load
Children entering grandfamilies often carry profound wounds: trauma, PTSD, neglect, and chaos. Studies show 40–88% of kids in out-of-home care face serious mental health challenges. Add autism, learning disabilities, or developmental delays, and the demands multiply.
Grandparents become everything: caregivers, advocates, tutors, therapists, protectors. We navigate bureaucracies never designed for older adults raising young children—while managing our own health issues, depression, anxiety, physical strain, financial hardship, and isolation.
Homeschooling: When Public or Private Schools Fall Short
For many of us, traditional schools can’t provide the safety, flexibility, or trauma-informed support these children need. A growing number turn to online academies or homeschooling to offer structure, emotional breathing room, and individualized learning—helping kids heal while they learn.
The Truth: Grandparents Are Holding the Country Together
Grandfamilies stabilize communities, break cycles of addiction, and give children futures. We do the work government programs brag about but rarely deliver. Legislation for grandfamilies often dies on the legislative floor.
What we need is real, concrete change—not more studies, committees, or brochures.
We Need:
– Formal recognition of grandfamilies and kinship caregivers as essential partners in child welfare and national stability
– Legal clarity and support for securing and maintaining custody/guardianship, including streamlined processes and protections against unnecessary state intervention
– Financial equity, including fair VA dependent compensation for children under permanent guardianship (aligning with DoD and Social Security rules), plus expanded access to TANF child-only grants, tax credits, and other aid
– Accessible mental health and trauma services tailored to both children and older caregivers
– Respite care to prevent burnout
– Public acknowledgment that grandparents are raising America’s children—and deserve the resources to do it without sacrificing their own well-being
America’s grandparents are raising America’s children. It’s time the system caught up and delivered the support, recognition, custody pathways, and financial relief these families have earned.
About the Author
Kevin “Pops” Foley is a 65-year-old retired U.S. Army Sergeant and 100% disabled veteran. He and his wife Barbara are raising three grandchildren in Massachusetts. They have provided full-time care for their eldest granddaughter since birth and for the others from early childhood, navigating early trauma, homeschooling, and a maze of state and federal systems that were never designed for grandfamilies. Kevin writes to give voice to his grandchildren, and to the millions of grandfamilies across America who are quietly holding the country together—often giving up empty-nest dreams and the hope of a peaceful retirement, to step back into the role of full-time parenting.
References
– VA definition of “child” for dependency/compensation purposes: 38 CFR § 3.57
– Generations United – National leader on grandfamilies, reports, and advocacy: gu.org
– Grandfamilies & Kinship Support Network – Technical assistance, state resources, and policy updates: gksnetwork.org
– Grandfamilies.org – State-by-state legal rights, custody, and kinship policy guides: grandfamilies.org
– AARP Kinship Care Resources – Legal, financial, and support directories: aarp.org
– Kinship care statistics and taxpayer savings (~2.5 million children; $10.5 billion annually): Generations United reports and Grandfamilies & Kinship Support Network data (2024–2025)
– Massachusetts TANF and related aid: mass.gov – TAFDC
Images courtesy of Kevin Foley
The Opioid Aftershock and the Collapse of Protection Systems
Parental substance abuse drives most grandfamilies. Politicians hold press conferences about “fighting addiction,” but the real frontline is a 68-year-old grandmother suddenly raising a toddler after her daughter’s overdose.
Without grandparents stepping in, the foster care system would collapse. Kinship caregivers save taxpayers at least $10.5 billion annually by keeping children out of state custody—yet this massive contribution goes unrecognized in budget hearings.
About 2.5 million children now live in kinship or grandfamily homes. This isn’t fringe—it’s America’s quiet safety net, held together by love and grit.
Trauma, Special Needs, and the Heavy Load
Children entering grandfamilies often carry profound wounds: trauma, PTSD, neglect, and chaos. Studies show 40–88% of kids in out-of-home care face serious mental health challenges. Add autism, learning disabilities, or developmental delays, and the demands multiply.
Grandparents become everything: caregivers, advocates, tutors, therapists, protectors. We navigate bureaucracies never designed for older adults raising young children—while managing our own health issues, depression, anxiety, physical strain, financial hardship, and isolation.
Homeschooling: When Public or Private Schools Fall Short
For many of us, traditional schools can’t provide the safety, flexibility, or trauma-informed support these children need. A growing number turn to online academies or homeschooling to offer structure, emotional breathing room, and individualized learning—helping kids heal while they learn.
The Truth: Grandparents Are Holding the Country Together
Grandfamilies stabilize communities, break cycles of addiction, and give children futures. We do the work government programs brag about but rarely deliver. Legislation for grandfamilies often dies on the legislative floor.
What we need is real, concrete change—not more studies, committees, or brochures.
We Need:
– Formal recognition of grandfamilies and kinship caregivers as essential partners in child welfare and national stability
– Legal clarity and support for securing and maintaining custody/guardianship, including streamlined processes and protections against unnecessary state intervention
– Financial equity, including fair VA dependent compensation for children under permanent guardianship (aligning with DoD and Social Security rules), plus expanded access to TANF child-only grants, tax credits, and other aid
– Accessible mental health and trauma services tailored to both children and older caregivers
– Respite care to prevent burnout
– Public acknowledgment that grandparents are raising America’s children—and deserve the resources to do it without sacrificing their own well-being
America’s grandparents are raising America’s children. It’s time the system caught up and delivered the support, recognition, custody pathways, and financial relief these families have earned.
About the Author
Kevin “Pops” Foley is a 65-year-old retired U.S. Army Sergeant and 100% disabled veteran. He and his wife Barbara are raising three grandchildren in Massachusetts. They have provided full-time care for their eldest granddaughter since birth and for the others from early childhood, navigating early trauma, homeschooling, and a maze of state and federal systems that were never designed for grandfamilies. Kevin writes to give voice to his grandchildren, and to the millions of grandfamilies across America who are quietly holding the country together—often giving up empty-nest dreams and the hope of a peaceful retirement, to step back into the role of full-time parenting.
References
